Let’s be honest. There is an extra layer of complexity when it comes to forgiving ourselves. We can’t adopt the same approaches we use when dealing with an actual perceived enemy.
Why?
Because the enemy is us!! If the culprit were some other person, we could go all out administering the full extent of the law and the wrath of man. But to do the same to ourselves is to destroy our very own tent which is sinful in every sense of the word.
From this standpoint, It makes sense why God’s standard for loving people is thus; “As You love Yourselves”. He expects you to value all that encompasses your being, desire good things, and then extend this same measure of love to others.
This call to stewardship and peculiar complexity are part of the reasons Camp Chieflings exist, and why we would be addressing the topic of self-forgiveness in this article.
Read carefully to discover the meaning and stages of self-forgiveness, how to handle personal mistakes, and apportion discipline in a loving and constructive manner.
DISCLAIMER: The content on this page is purely for informational purposes. If you are in a really bad place, it is advised that you see a professional promptly.
Definition of self-forgiveness – What It Means To Forgive Yourself.
To forgive oneself is to release a defaulting version of oneself from the burden or punishment of wrongdoing. It means to stop feeling anger or resentment toward yourself for a mistake made.
But how did we get here even? It doesn’t make any sense? I am letting myself off the hook I never put myself on. Who or What Did?
Enter Moral Law; A higher law independent of human influence or interpretation that defines right and wrong human conduct. It applies to all human beings and can be validated by any individual irrespective of religion, gender, or any label.
I like to think of it as the law written in every human heart. And if you have a healthy conscience, you can sense how well or poorly you are living in harmony with these principles.
Another Agent, like the Moral Law, is our Personal Constitution. These include guidelines, personal standards, vows, and legislation formed consciously or unconsciously and authorized to govern our conduct.
According to Steven Covey’s best-seller, walking against these governing laws produces negative consequences. We inevitably grow to regret the choices we made that led us there.
In this context, Walt Disney’s Quote from Pogo holds true;
We have met the enemy and he is us
It is the idea that our actions and behaviors can put us in real trouble. Believe it or not, you can be your enemy. You can sabotage yourself. You can wage war on yourself consciously or unconsciously.
Hating oneself is unnatural (Ephesians 5:29). We are built for self-love. It means we can choose to extend grace to ourselves.
Therefore, Self-forgiveness is the act of choosing and taking appropriate actions to restore the harmonic congruence between the several elements of your human condition ( ie. your mind, heart, soul, and body).
The Procession of Self-forgiveness: Getting To The Place Where You Forgive Yourself.
The purpose of the section is to get you familiar with the different stages of the ‘forgive self’ spectrum so you can identify where you are on the spectrum and make informed and conscious efforts towards the desired destination.
It is worth noting that individuals move through these stages at different paces. Sometimes we typically spend more time in a particular stage than another. This varies from person to person based on different psycho-emotional factors and proficiency in self-forgiveness.
Stage 1: Denial.
Denial is not always a stage people go through across all situations of personal offense. But if present, it usually precedes the rest.
This stage is marked by self-righteousness and defensiveness where an individual recruits self-made arguments to excuse their wrongdoing. These excuses are often based on biased judgments and not necessarily the holistic truth.
Also, a person in this stage could typically be living fast or busy in a bid to evade the eruption of guilty feelings and or correction for decisions made or actions taken. Ignoring the signs and emotions and choosing to falsely believe “all is well” are common markers as well.
Stage 2. Realization.
At this stage, a person acknowledges their wrongdoing based on the feedback from their conscience.
They have a sense of the law being transgressed though they may not be able to fully articulate it in clear understanding. It is a heart knowing before it is a head knowledge. They understand their conduct falls short of the ruling standard.
Realization of our shortcomings often comes on the back of new knowledge. A change in our frame of reference. A mindset shift.
Stage 3: Acceptance.
This stage may ensue immediately or much later in time. But when it happens, more often than not, it is because a personal value has been struck. You understand how the misconduct adversely affects something you truly value and you can see your involvement and contribution the entire way.
Curated Reading: Uncover Your Values, Virtues, and Life’s Meaning with these 11 Meditative Self-Reflection Questions.
Stage 4: Remorse.
Good ol’ Guilt. Yes, there is a place for it.
The purpose of Guilt is to lead to repentance, self-reflection, and restoration. But when mishandled, it tends to create negative and perhaps toxic outcomes. The guilt that has gone off the charts is one elicited by deceptive brain messages; lies that our brain tells us.
Stage 5: The Crossroads
This stage is about emotional management and intelligence. How are you going to handle the guilt and regret you feel?
Would you cave into the lies and pressures of your judgmental and pessimistic voices in your head or channel the energies towards obeying the instructions of your Wise Advocate?
Here are ways we handle self-offense negatively or positively.
Handling Guilt Negatively
Generally, we handle guilt and self-offense poorly when we default to the sensibilities and tendencies of our fallen nature. Though it may feel like the right response in the moment, we run the risk of being stuck when we follow them.
Here are some of the go-to responses to our slip-ups
- Isolation: Isolation is an agelong fruit of sin that exists as long as sin first enters this world. Examples of isolation as a response to wrongdoing could be avoiding your spouse, leaving the church and/or other communities that stand for the value you transgressed, becoming secretive, shutting yourself out from the world, etc. It is based on the preconceived notion that you are undeserving and thus don’t want to be hypocritical. However, Isolation never really fixes the issue. At best, it thrives in secrecy.
- Self Affliction: As part of growing up, we grew to understand quite astutely that the consequence of a misdemeanor is punishment. However, it is important to emphasize the motive behind punishment: to build or correct character is to discipline while to destroy is Self-induced Affliction. In extreme cases, some people induce bodily harm as expiation for their wrongdoing. Please Seek professional care or attention if this is how you address self-offense.
- Self-disrespect: Self-disrespect involves giving up all sense of value and self-worth. A catalyst for self-disrespect is the defeatist mentality that promotes a feeling of weakness, especially after trying yet failing to make a change. It makes a person believe it is hopeless to keep fighting and then convinces its victim to engage in detrimental practices that are supposedly meant to numb the pain.
- Self-pity: Self-pity is a natural response — yet harmful — response to personal offense. It involves chronically brooding over and feeling sorry for the insults, flaws, and shortcomings in our lives as a coping mechanism. It’s a way to mollycoddle and over-pamper the self. It is driven by the notion that one is a direct product of nature, situations, and fate beyond their control. According to Tim LaHaye’s Spirit Controlled Temperament, it is the leading cause of depression.
These are all trademark responses of the natural man. But Galatians 5:16 informs that we don’t have to fall to the feet of the flesh but can choose to rise to the directions of the Holy Spirit.
How To Forgive Yourself – The Right Path.
The modus operandi is to replace the default model with a new and better one that renders the old model obsolete.
The new model is understanding God’s truth about forgiveness so we can fully live in the freedom and provisions Christ offers.
- Confess: Acknowledging and admitting your wrongdoing is the step that sets you on your way to self-restoration. It would require courage, responsibility, humility, and integrity to say “I am sorry for what I did. I accept the consequences of sin and take responsibility for my actions”.
- Embrace God’s forgiveness: God loves you immensely. Remember, Love covers a multitude of sins and his grace is sufficient. He has forgiven you in Christ because Jesus Christ died for those very sins you struggle with. The punishment of your sins was put on him. He paid for it. Embrace God’s love. Hold on tighter to Jesus Christ. If God, your Maker has forgiven you, surely you can find the fortitude to forgive yourself.
- Repent: Turn your heart back to God. Learn from your mistakes and retrace your steps. Commit to the necessary changes that reduce the likelihood of a misconduct repeating itself. Do we go on sinning for grace to abound? Apostle Paul replies, “God forbid”. (Roman 6:2)
- Seek restoration: Make amends. Make it up to the Transgressed. It could be your body, your spouse, a friend, or a colleague. Give the person a call. Establish contact and sincerely communicate your regret. Respect their decision.
Extra Tips For Handling Personal Mistakes
You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.” ― Buckminster Fuller
The strategy is geared towards change. Something must change either you or the situation.
Curated For You: Verses for When You Can’t Forgive Yourself
Here are practical tips for forgiving yourself [based on bible verses about forgiveness.]
1. Let Go of the Past:
Philippians 3:13-14, says we should forget what lies behind us. Stop revisiting past mistakes. Stop remembering the things of the past. Set boundaries for your thoughts, when negative self-talk comes to your mind, replace it with scriptures or positive affirmations about God’s grace, and set boundaries for people that remind you of your past as well.
2. Accept and Hold on to Your Identity in Christ
Every believer has two realities in Christ; The Legal and The Vital Reality. The Former includes all the unseen privileges and spiritual provisions given to you in Christ. The vital reality is the observable experience or physical circumstance at any given moment.
You have to make your vital reality consistent with your legal realities. It means doing your best to put your legal realities into action or effect.
Use God’s truth about you to combat any deceptive brain message (DBMs) and identity dissonance you might be experiencing. The Word of God is the much-needed truth and key to breaking the vicious cycle of DBMs. Know God’s Word. Believe it. Speak it over your life.
Curated Reading: Personal Devotion: Spending Time in God’s Word (Meaning, Scriptures, and Benefits)
3. Extend Grace to Yourself:
Give yourself the same grace as you would extend to other people in a similar circumstance.
If it is something you have been working hard and making little progress on, give yourself some grace.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking a relapse makes you a failure. Don’t be blinded. See your progress; they are a testament to your ability to grow and become better. Victory is yours for the taking.
4. Build discipline
Love can express itself as mercy, grace, and even tough love through chastening. Same love different expressions. Knowing when to use which and how is what distinguishes a good leader from a great one.
Discipline means implementing measures that prevent misconduct from happening again and learning to follow them.
A wise person once said;
Once beaten, Twice shy.
5. Seek Community and Accountability:
Don’t run away from Community. Run to it as it is a structure for preservation and safety. Having someone to speak to about your struggles, helps relieve guilt, reminding you about the truths of God’s words spoken over your life.
Having a mentor who can hold you accountable would do you a world of good too.
Conclusion
In this article, we walked through the soul-searching journey of self-forgiveness highlighting the twists and turns from Denial to Restoration.
One thing to take away is that we are bound to make mistakes as the imperfect beings we are. But we can choose to develop a lifestyle of forgiving ourselves and a commitment to self-improvement. It’s not a quick fix but a layered process that involves a dance with our conscience and a tango with our true values.
It’s time to make peace with the person in the mirror and commit to the hard work of self-restoration,
Forgive yourself, grow from your stumbles, and keep dancing through life with a little more rhythm and a lot more self-love.
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